Finally Perfcted, My Fighting FANFICTION ORCS!
by fireweilder
Summary: In contiuation of END!
1. No one loves Saruman Big surprise

Disclaimer: See page one cause I am far too lazy to write it again

Notes: I felt like writing one more chapter about nothing so sorry for the absolute nonsense. Continuing on from the last chapter, picture the few minuets right before the battle of Amon Hen. This is a combined view from both book and movie. Please remember that I don't have spell check!

Finally Perfected, My Fighting FANFICTION ORCS!

Fireweilder

IN SARUMAN'S LAIR

One day, Saruman got really pissed off at his inability to capture the ring from a stupid furry hobbit, so he decided to create the ultimet killing mechines…he failed in doing so.

Combining random FanFiction writters and one strand of elf hair in his large mud mixing hole, he accidently created a group of fangirls that he hoped would obey him and carry out his bidding. He also wanted one to tell him that he was the sexiest Lord of the Rings character, since no one ever did. But again he failed since none of them wanted to stay and tell Saruman that he was sexy at all. Again getting pissed off, he ordered them to go and capture the halflings. He had a hard time convincing them of going off in to the wilderness with not makeup at all, but after he promised that they could have the bodies of the Hobbits after he was done, they all ran out of the lair with little dust clouds following them. 

'Little do they know,' he thought to himself, 'that there is also an Elf in the Fellowship. I pity them when my rabid fangirls find them. MWAHAHAHAHACOUGH!…cough…gasp' Saruman falls onto the floor gasping for air

Now we join our favorite Fellowship members, LEGOLAS, ARAGORN, FRODO, and all the other guys in the backround, just getting off the river and pulling into Amon Hen. 

After battling the Balrog…I mean Mary Sue… in the Mines of Moria, the fellowship was really tired once they got to Lothlorien. But after telling Galadriel and Celeborn about their problems, they gave them parting gifts that would repel future fangirl problems. Legolas' arrows now had liitle bottles of "essance of elf" that would explode on conntact, sending the fangirls running everywhere in confusion. Frodo got a lightblub to momentrly blind them while he ran away, fell, then cried for Aragorn to save him. Unfortunatly, Galadriel didn't like Aragorn or Gimli so she gave them shiny jewlery and gave Gimli a elvish wig that he now wore all the time. 

After a slight elf- is- not- better- then- dwarf confratation between Gimli and Legolas (which Gimli once again lost) the fellowship had a problem to face. Since Gandalf was "dead", no one had a very good ability to lead the fellowship onward. So every one had to vote on which way to go in the morning, to Mordor or to Gondor. 

Well, none one except Frodo and Sam wanted to go into Mordor, but since no one trusted the Hobbit to fulfill the quest, they didn't do that. 

"Why don't you guys trust me anymore? Look, I said I was sorry about nearly selling it to that poor begger on the side of road but he looked like he needed it! I would do something like that again… I mean wouldn't!" Yelled Frodo, standing up and taking Boromir by the collar

"Frodo," said Brormir through clenched teeth " get your hands off my collar and your foot off my hand and I promise I won't try to steal the ring from you in five seconds."

Frodo snapped out of his little weird trance and got off Boromir. 

Suddenly Legolas stood up and ran up a tree

"Didn't I tell you guys not to make and sharp movements infront of the elf." Said Aragorn from his hobo corner

"Umm, guys" said Legolas, climbing back down to the ground, "we got un problema"

" How big? Is it like 'wild Oliphaunts are no charging over the ridge to trample us all to death' big or like 'oh my god my pants ripped and I really have to go to the bathroom and there is the girl I really like and oh crap she is coming toward me so I'll just run behind a bush really quick and try not to make a big mess.' Big?" asked Pippin

"Well, not like that has never happened to me but, no." responded Legolas. "Do me a favor and take a really deep breath right now."

Everyone did as Legolas said, except Gimli who still didn't like Legolas at all. 

"Hmmm, I smell…" said Aragorn, trailing off

"Oh my god, I know that smell!" screamed Merry

"It's THE CRAPPY SMELLING PERFUME OF THE DREADED FANGIRLS!!!"


	2. What is Hobo Soup?

Disclaimer: See page 1. Too lazy to re write

Notes: Thanks again people. It really makes my day to get encouragement. SO REVIEW DAMMIT!!

"You think they could get the idea that we really don't like them?" asked Legolas to Aragorn in his hobo corner. He was in the middle of mixing kechup and ice together to make his special hobo soup.

"I don't know. They are kind of stupid that way. I mean they are all fangirls." He replied

"WELL LETS DO SOMETHING!" cried Merry, who was a little strung up at the moment. He was deadly afraid of Aragorn after her threw Frodo down the well in Moria. 

Immedetly, Boromir started hiting Merry with a log repeatedly over the head.

"Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! Fal lal willow! Bora Bom, sany Bom! Bom bom bom bom Boromir!" sang Boromir, contiuing to wap Merry on the head. In the last few days since Lothlorien, Boromir had been going slowily insane and sining songs that sound vaugly familiar to the Hobbit but they couldn't place them. Most of them had to do with willows and a chic named Goldberry, but other then that the fellowship was at a lost as to what it was.

"Boromir, would you shut up! Your crappy singing is attracting the fangirls!" yelled Legolas, who had his bow drawn to shoot Boromir down if he continued. However, Pipppen had the idea to hit Boromir on the head with the falt side of his sword. In doing so, Boromir colapsed in to unconcousness. 

"Jolly good show mate!" cried Sam, slapping Pippen on his ass.

"AHHH!"

"SAM!" yelled Frodo (I know I know. I don't like to think they have some gay relationship but you gotta admit it seems that way.)

"Wait. Was it just me or did Legolas say somehting about rabid fangirls?" asked Aragorn

"It was just you Hobo boy. Take a bath."said Gimli throwing a pot of boiling water at his head. But instead of boiling Aragorn's skin or cleaning him, all the oils and greases in his hair began to boil and sizzle on his head. Pippen and Merry saw this and launched themselves at Aragorn, speaking gibberish about bacon and sliced ham. 

"HHHHMMMMM! FOOD! I need bacon! No more hobo soup for me!" they yelled. It took a few seconds for Aragorn to beat them off him with the log that Boromir had dropped. 

"Get off of me you crazy rat like creatures!! Frodo, get your damn race off of me! AAAHHHHH!" at that moment, an arrow came wizzing through their camp. Everyone but Legolas dropped to the ground and became deadly silent. Legolas drew his bow and jumped on to the lower branches to the tree next to him. However, he misjudged the distance and instead ran into the tree and slipped on Boromir. Very un elf like. 

The fellowship was tring their hrdest not to laught at Legolas' funny preformance, but the threat of Fangirls was more deadly to let a sound come from their mouths.

They suddenly heard the sound of approaching feet and the smell of cheap prefume came sweeping through camp, killing all the plants. Then, conferming their worst fears, they began to hear the converstaions of the dreaded fangirls.

"Hey, Lurtza, whatcha gonna do when we finally get our hands on that sexy little Hobbit and his friends?" asked one

"Hey, watched it babe. You only get the damn hobbits when I am done with all four of them. But if you really want, you can have the fat stupid one first." 

Merry, Frodo and Pippen looked at Sam only to find that really did look very ugly and fat.

"Hey Sam, I don't think your fat." Whipered Frodo, squeezing his "hand"

Back to the conversation….

"AAAAAHHHHHHH! Do you guys smell that?" cried the head fangirl. All the others turned around and smelled the air. 

"Oh my god! Who the hell did that! EWWWWWW! Lets get out of here!" they started shreiking.

Moments later, the clearing was deserted of fangirls and the Fellowship began to stir again. Merry and Frodo went over to the crumpled body to prod it and make sure he was still alive. But to their surprise, Legolas did a backflip and cried out in a big shout

"TADA!"

"Nice try Legolas." Said Frodo, looking at the now abashed elf

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Sam and Pippen had been thanking Gimli for his amazing Dwarvish ability to let out SBDs* on que.

"So now what are we go…" started Frodo when Boromir desided he had been asleep long enough. He leaped up, took Sam by the seat of his pants and dance around with him singing:

" Old bomidillio is a merry fellow, Bright pink his undies is, his hair a pasty brown. Hey! Now! Come hoy now! Come Bumpkins and all the Fatty Lumpkins!"

"Oh no….please Boromir be quite…Damn!" said Frodo as Legolas hit him hard over the head again with Aragorn's sword. 

"Sorry Boromir…not really." He added

"Um, Legolas? I think it is too late for that…" said Frodo as the fangirls' shadows could be see coming from the forest

"Pippin, quick! What is that word your Hobbit folk use in this situation?" asked Aragorn

"LET GO EAT!"

"Good enough."

for those of you who don't know what they are they are Silent But Deadly farts 

bye now


	3. OH DEAR GOD!

Notes: Wow, I haven't written the last chapter for this! Oh well. I guess you can expect one coming later for _The Two Towers_ as well

****

Finally Perfected My Fighting FANFICTION ORCS!

Fireweilder

But there would be no escape for them now MWHAHAHAHA! As the crouched fellowship heard the dreaded FANGIRLS approach, they figured no smelly fart would save them now. All the FANGIRLS had on gas masks (although none of the fellowship knew that so Gimli was still farting up a storm causing all of them to lose their Hobo Soup). Legolas managed to strangle Gimli in the process but it was too late. Gimli couldn't make them silent anymore.

*FFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTT

Immediately, all the fellowship was gagged and bounded. In the process, Aragorn, Legolas and Frodo seemed to have misplaced their shirts and now couldn't find them anywhere. It was actually kinda cold so they started convulsing on the ground. 

Anyway, the FANGIRLS were now dragging all the fellowship back to their dreaded _Sex Mobile 3018. _Now perhaps you reader have not heard of the horrors of the _Sex Mobile 3018_ and for that you should be thankful. There were rumors that once you went in, you never came out. What was done inside…no one in his or her right mind knows except Gollum who is not in his right mind. Might I also point out that Gimli was simply tied to a tree while everyone else was taken to the _Sex Mobile 3018_. 

But something happened then the fellowship did not expect, but the FNAGIRLS had planned all along. When forced, though kicking and screaming, in to the spacey bus, I mean _Sex Mobile 3018_, there in the bed was a scandaly dressed…white Gandalf. After three hours of continuous screaming, Aragorn managed to gather enough courage to ask Gandalf what THE HELL HE WAS DOING! Not to mention wearing…

"Gandalf, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! And more importantly, how did you get here of all places since I though this dreaded machine was reserved for the sexy?"

"Um," said Gandalf in a high ass voice, trying to imitate a little girl's voice, "I was like, had this enlightenment thing at the bottom of the like long chasm thingy. And finally, after three hundred years, I am finally going back to my roots! I am also reverting back to my former name in the West, Horny G"

"Oh, so you were the city bike in the Valinor? Not to mention you had a sex change?" asked Frodo.

"Yep."

"Larsy, larsy, larsy..." Wheezed Legolas, rolling on the floor in the fetal position

"So…your gonna let us go, right," said Aragorn, garbing Sam and Frodo by the necks and kicked Legolas nearer and nearer the door. But as he broke into a full sprint and flung open the door, he was…surprised to say the least.

Once thousands of rabid FANGIRLS had stood out side the door, but now they all lay dead, though no visible injury done to them. A soft rustle sound came from the left and Aragorn cautiously crept toward the noise, sword raised. Instead, he found gimli cut free and now talking casually to a pretty FANGIRLS tied to the nearest tree. He was standing there stroking his beard, fingering his ax (NO NOT THAT AX!). the FANGIRL instead was desperately trying to kill her self to no avail.

"Gimli! Did you do all that?" asked Aragorn, pointing back to the clearing.

"No, actually that was Boromir. He streaked, yes I mean STREAKED through the clearing and the FANGIRLS just fell down, screaming bloody murder."

"Did they resemble this?" he asked again as he dragged Legolas toward Gimli. He was still in fetal position.

"Ya. Hey, why is he like that? What happened to you guys. I wanted to come but they said I wasn't old enough." Pouted Gimli

"Dude, I would not give you a life time of horrors to tell you what the hell just happened to us. You'll thank me when your dead." Said Aragorn, patting Gimli's shoulder.

Suddenly, a blaring sound came over the clearing.

"What the hell is that?" asked Sam

"It's a fog horn. Duh! We must be near the sea!" exclaimed Legolas, running through the woods while shouting "Ai, Ai! The seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea!" splash "Never mind!"

"Actually I think its Boromir's cell phone ring."

"Oh. Wait, who would call Boromir?" asked a wet Legolas (droooool!)

"No, it was so his dad could keep track of him."

"Natch."

**

"I would have called you my brother, my captain, my KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" shouted Boromir as the fellowship rowed him over the cliff. What did it matter anyway, he was poisoned with FANGIRL arrows, thus explaining Boromir's increase insanity. 

"I'M DONE NOW!" he shouted, but it was too late anywho. thud he hit the rocks. Much rejoicing

"So, what do we do now?" asked a still wet Legolas

"Gets go drink!" shouted Aragorn

"Dammit, shut up you damn hobo! Do you not realize what just happened! Frodo and Sam are gone! Boromir is DEAD and I haven't seen Merry and Pippin since we left the sex car of doom." Shrieked Gimli, as only a dwarf can.

Silence

"Lets go drink!" Shouted Aragorn and Legolas, running toward the woods

"…Ya, sure why not." Sighed Gimli, as Legolas squealed with joy and raced after Aragorn into the woods. "And music queue in… now!"

**

"Boy, that was really great!" commented Peter Jackson, sitting in his editing room, "I'm glad that's over with!"

A mad fanfiction writer walks in and leans toward Peter's ear. "But you have two more movies to do!"

Peter's eyes go bloodshot

****

Cool! I'm done with this one! Took me long enough. Anywho, this chapter has a really weird sense of humor so you'll have to bear with me. Happy Boxing Day! ^_^


End file.
